Kevin Nealon Tweetstream

Status :Come join me at The Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena this Tuesday, Feb 7th. 8pm http://t.co/Zp8pzGf1
Created at : 02/03/12 8:30 PM

Status :Problem solved...yes, it must've been a creepy bug that I inadvertently crushed as I laid my head down last night.
Created at : 02/03/12 10:39 AM

Status :Lying here this morning, in my hotel bed, wondering if the dried blood on the sheet is from me or a previous guest. #Priceline.com
Created at : 02/03/12 9:55 AM

Status :Whoops! Mary Louise Parker already has a new account. This one is much better! A must follow! @ML_Parker1 #NancyBotwin/Weeds
Created at : 02/02/12 7:45 PM

Status :@Madisonblaine95: welcome to Isabel!
Created at : 02/01/12 3:33 PM

Status :If you're hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food why not try eating an hour earlier?
Created at : 02/01/12 1:37 PM

Status :Hey everyone, say hi to a newbie on Twitter, @ParkerLMary. #NancyBotwin/Weeds
Created at : 02/01/12 10:00 AM

Status :@ParkerLMary : Yes, MLP! This is how it works.
Created at : 01/31/12 11:47 PM

Status :@maryLParker1 : That's how it works.
Created at : 01/31/12 10:32 PM

Status :Why are my troubles never listed in the troubleshooting section of the manual?
Created at : 01/30/12 9:24 AM

Status :Apparently, dinosaurs were only created for the amusement of children.
Created at : 01/29/12 9:00 AM

Status :Seeing '5 refills' on my bottle of Valium is like seeing my car's gas gauge pointing to full.
Created at : 01/26/12 9:31 PM

Status :Wives? This is the toughest question they've had to answer yet. #CNNdebate
Created at : 01/26/12 8:28 PM

Status :Please interrupt this debate for updates on Klum/Seal breakup! #CNNdebate
Created at : 01/26/12 8:27 PM

Status :Which wife is Newt talking about? #CNNdebate
Created at : 01/26/12 8:25 PM

Status :Just tuned into the debate...have they been talking about their wives the entire time? #CNNdebate
Created at : 01/26/12 8:23 PM

Status :My apologies to Cleveland and Portland for having to reschedule. I will make it up to you two-fold. I swear! #Isabel
Created at : 01/22/12 9:18 AM

Status :This video is pure love. Tears of joy. Got me. Joshkelley.com 'Naleigh Moon'
Created at : 01/19/12 11:38 AM

Status :Thanks everyone for putting up with my Golden Globe tweets. Loved all your comments! G'nite.
Created at : 01/15/12 9:59 PM

Status :I guess if I wrote a film about my tweets tonight I would call it 'The Condescendants.'
Created at : 01/15/12 9:57 PM

Status :George Clooney forgot to thank that chick from Dancing With The Stars that he's sitting next to. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:51 PM

Status :Jane Fonda...now that's the way you should do plastic surgery!!! #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:48 PM

Status :In the future...more dog tricks at The Golden Globes. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:42 PM

Status :If I were receiving a Golden Globe I wouldn't begin my acceptance speech until they started playing me off. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:40 PM

Status :Meryl...it's not the CMA awards. #Hootenanydress
Created at : 01/15/12 9:38 PM

Status :Can't say Collin Firth's name without sounding like I have a lisp.
Created at : 01/15/12 9:35 PM

Status :Don't want to see The Artist until it has a soundtrack and is 3-D. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:27 PM

Status :I can't tell where Martin Scorsese's glasses leave off and his eyebrows begin. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:25 PM

Status :Haven't seen that many Spanish speaking together since the Chilean mining incident. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:21 PM

Status :Ironically, Woody Allen is accepting for Modern Family.#goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:18 PM

Status :Robert Downey Jr. ...Sobriety test or presenter patter?
Created at : 01/15/12 9:12 PM

Status :True or False? Morgan hasn't taken that glove off since Driving Miss Daisy. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:11 PM

Status :True or False? Morgan Freeman was one of the original Little Rascals.
Created at : 01/15/12 9:08 PM

Status :Did Morgan Freeman get a nose job? #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 9:01 PM

Status :Sydney Portier reminds me of George W. Bush giving a press conference. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:58 PM

Status :Just a matter of time before she thanks Oprah. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:49 PM

Status :Clare... These names mean nothing to me.
Created at : 01/15/12 8:37 PM

Status :Gervais' accent is rubbing off on Madonna. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:32 PM

Status :Jessica Lange thinks she's accepting for Frances Farmer. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:25 PM

Status :Trying to get my waist down to the size of Nicole Kidman's without severing my spinal column. #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:24 PM

Status :John Huntsman just showed up at The Golden Globes. #bestquitter
Created at : 01/15/12 8:21 PM

Status :Jessica Alba, Peter Dinklage and Rob Lowe must've all gone on the same cruise ship. #spraytan
Created at : 01/15/12 8:20 PM

Status :Seth Rogen's massive erection is back on stage. #PeterDinklage
Created at : 01/15/12 8:14 PM

Status :Jonah Hill gained a lot of weight for Moneyball... @GoldenGlobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:13 PM

Status :Some of the biggest awards yet to come? What, are they gonna start giving out Oscars? #goldenglobes
Created at : 01/15/12 8:05 PM

Status :They should play Madonna off with Guy Ritchie yelling at her.
Created at : 01/15/12 7:52 PM

Status :Haven't seen this much backslapping in Hollywood without a 'kick me' sign attached.
Created at : 01/15/12 7:42 PM

Status :I may have to start watching Homeland now just because of that dress!
Created at : 01/15/12 7:40 PM

Status :This is his fifth for Kelsey Grammer...and of course I'm talking about wives.
Created at : 01/15/12 7:37 PM

Status :Ironically, I get all my news from the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Created at : 01/15/12 7:27 PM

Status :Thanks for the laughs, Sacramento...and mini Brooklyn Bridge!! http://t.co/ZkO9w6b0
Created at : 01/15/12 11:20 AM

Status :Guess who will be at Punch Line in Sacramento this weekend? Me!!! And YOU?http://t.co/BePqLmC6
Created at : 01/12/12 6:50 PM

Status :Laying out my clothes right now for my stand up @LargoLosAngeles tonight. 8pm. What will you wear?
Created at : 01/11/12 2:06 PM

Status :Me & Wayne Federman at Largo at The Coronet. Wed. 1/11. Buy ticket & bring friend for free. largo-la.com & enter password, Nealon.
Created at : 01/10/12 1:17 PM

Status :'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy adopted by TSA. #badIdeas
Created at : 01/09/12 9:59 AM

Status :Just a heads up if you're looking for something to do Wed. Jan 11. I will be at #LargoLosAngeles with @WayneFederman. A real steal!
Created at : 01/08/12 1:02 AM

Status :A familiar, early morning view heading to airport here in LA. Tonight thru Sun. DC Improv. http://t.co/2iVT2pAq
Created at : 01/05/12 8:36 AM

Status :Hold the phone everyone & mark your calendar! Me doing stand up at Largo in LA. Wed. Jan 11. 8pm. Do come! http://t.co/s3dmYlfZ
Created at : 01/05/12 6:51 AM

Status :The best time to attack your opponent is when they are in mid-sneeze.
Created at : 01/04/12 9:13 AM

Status :Trying to lose a little weight so my pants aren't so tight. Never thought I'd be trying to get into my own pants!
Created at : 01/02/12 10:59 PM

Status :Be Hungry, Be Foolish and never...behave. Happy 2012! http://t.co/EX8RgLzb
Created at : 12/31/11 11:02 AM

Status :Help @dreamfound win miles for #travel related final dreams. Vote everyday - on every device - thru 12.31 - http://t.co/SGI9tegE
Created at : 12/30/11 1:00 PM

Status :Upside of being a celeb? You can be a horrible parent but do one guest spot on Sesame St. and all is forgiven.
Created at : 12/28/11 7:16 PM

Status :Late on this Christmas day, after all is said and done, I find myself pondering-- where the hell is Woody's hat?
Created at : 12/25/11 9:47 PM

Status :Not a fan of the Forever stamp. They don't break down in dumps or landfills. #Green
Created at : 12/25/11 12:53 AM

Status :Most of us don't remember our very first steps unless there are twelve of them.
Created at : 12/23/11 9:24 AM

Status :I think the Korean manicurist just told me my feet are too long to fit into the parifin bag.
Created at : 12/22/11 4:38 PM

Status :My low self esteem kept me from ever doing coke, especially off a mirror, since I don't like to see myself.
Created at : 12/20/11 2:28 PM

Status :A power outage at Candlestick Park is like running out of Ketchup at Heinz Field.
Created at : 12/20/11 12:53 AM

Status :Kim Jung Un has some small shoes to fill.
Created at : 12/18/11 10:52 PM

Status :Seven days left until husbands begin their Christmas shopping.
Created at : 12/17/11 3:36 PM

Status :Maybe I was out of line the other day at the mall...but I don't think so. youtu.be/TQ_lzwFj134
Created at : 12/15/11 12:19 PM

Status :Paying a visit to The Ellen Show tomorrow. 12/14. I'll be taking the pulse of Holiday Shoppers.
Created at : 12/13/11 8:33 PM

Status :Rick Perry should stop wasting money and donate the rest of his campaign funds to reduce U.S. deficit.
Created at : 12/11/11 3:42 PM

Status :Backstage at Letterman. Waiting, waiting, waiting...wai..., oh, yikes! I'm next!! Breath, breath, breath...
Created at : 12/08/11 2:46 PM

Status :Waiting in Green Room at Howard Stern with Gary.
Created at : 12/08/11 7:02 AM

Status :Sandusky should withdraw from the race.
Created at : 12/08/11 6:38 AM

Status :Thanks for the laughs, Pittsburgh! This weekend its Caroline's In NYC. Howard Stern and David Letterman on Thurs. Dec 8.
Created at : 12/05/11 7:56 AM

Status :Yes! If you said Strip District in Pittsburgh yinz are correct. Good goin'.
Created at : 12/03/11 6:05 PM

Status :Can anyone guess? http://t.co/xM2sIlVj
Created at : 12/03/11 2:49 PM

Status :My bad. Okay, YINZ. I even checked with a local first before I tweeted YENS. Glad to know I got jaggoff correct. Or did I?
Created at : 12/02/11 7:04 AM

Status :Don't be a jaggoff. I wanna see yens at the Improv in Pittsburgh tonight and Sat. I'll be there. @PghComedy bit.ly/vSuGsl
Created at : 12/02/11 5:44 AM

Status :Awesome, inexpensive gift idea from my good buddies- http://t.co/RCdX2JSp Enter the coupon NEALON at checkout and save 10%!
Created at : 12/01/11 7:34 PM

Status :“@SteveMartinToGo:@steepcanyon and my album, Rare Bird Alert nominated for Grammy!" CONGRATS! Finally you are recognized for your work!!
Created at : 12/01/11 12:22 PM

Status :“@SteveMartinToGo: .@steepcanyon and my album, Rare Bird Alert nominated for Grammy! ... http://t.co/yUpeXAAN”c
Created at : 12/01/11 12:12 PM

Status :Airport toilets don't give you enough time to check for worms. #autoflush
Created at : 12/01/11 12:08 PM

Status :Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Can't say it enough. RIP
Created at : 11/29/11 4:42 PM

Status :Was shopping online at Walmart this morning and got pepper-sprayed.
Created at : 11/28/11 9:53 AM

Status :Negative Thought For The Day: Life is just waiting for bad news.
Created at : 11/26/11 2:01 PM

Status :Just picked up my new 2012 Former Swimsuit Models calendar.
Created at : 11/25/11 1:05 PM

Status :Thinking about pardoning our tofurkey tomorrow.
Created at : 11/23/11 5:11 PM

Status :Yes. I make a visit to the Next Iron Chef tonight. Someone's cooking up a storm!
Created at : 11/20/11 10:08 PM

Status :Having fun hosting The Golden Goggles Awards in downtown LA tonight, although there is a faint smell of chlorine in the room.
Created at : 11/20/11 10:07 PM

Status :Thanks for the laughs Neenah,WI. And thanks for your manhole covers and toilet paper production. http://t.co/ef1Kkgkw
Created at : 11/20/11 9:35 AM

Status :Xmas decorations in Neenah, WI. http://t.co/rzRrRfyB
Created at : 11/19/11 2:40 PM

Status :Thanks for all the Happy B'day wishes!! I feel loved and old.
Created at : 11/18/11 5:24 PM

Status :Man accused of firing shots at White House claims he was not an assassin. He was just not a fan of early colonial architecture.
Created at : 11/18/11 8:51 AM

Status :Still looking for tickets to Regis' final show. Also looking for airline tickets to get there. Please hurry! It's already started!
Created at : 11/18/11 8:17 AM

Status :Heading to a town called Neenah tomorrow. Do you know where Neenah is without Googling? Appearing @ Neenah's Comedy Quater Fri & Sat.
Created at : 11/17/11 4:02 PM

Status :Breaking News: Occupy Los Angeles has moved over to Occupy Twilight.
Created at : 11/16/11 5:28 PM