Dane Cook Tweetstream

Status :Weirdst halftime show. Madonna had blond chest hair and CeeLo was wearing the entire night sky.
Created at : 02/05/12 7:16 PM

Status :10-9 #PATRIOTS ------ whoooo hooooo now Madonna can perform while I go eat mac & cheese.
Created at : 02/05/12 6:50 PM

Status :It's a serious event when you buy balloons. #GOPATRIOTS http://t.co/LNqVUKrH
Created at : 02/05/12 3:58 PM

Status :#SuperBowl Sunday -- Both teams strong but you can't out coach Bill Belichick. #Patriots #Pats #Patriots Pats MAKE SOME NOISE!
Created at : 02/05/12 2:44 PM

Status :Beautiful SuperBowl Sunday here in Los Angeles. Celebrating with my follow New Englanders. LET'S GO #PATRIOTS !!!!
Created at : 02/05/12 1:44 PM

Status :One of my fav quotes: Night all!!! "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Created at : 02/05/12 12:29 AM

Status :I've got 40 people confirmed for my SuperBowl party tomorrow & catered BBQ plus desserts aplenty. Hurry up tomorrow. GO PATS! #GOPATS
Created at : 02/05/12 12:14 AM

Status :@LISALLA1 ha Twitter stinks sometimes everyone- it auto blocked a bunch of our followers.. no hate zone -let's all sing GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART
Created at : 02/04/12 11:59 PM

Status :It's Saturday night. Don't forget to wash your ass.
Created at : 02/04/12 9:59 PM

Status :“Any guy who thinks he can read the mind of a woman is a guy who knows nothin’!” -Robert Evans, producer
Created at : 02/04/12 7:12 PM

Status :Home. http://t.co/yMa5xf0z
Created at : 02/04/12 7:50 AM

Status :Dating shouldn't feel like the movie Black Hawk Down.
Created at : 02/03/12 10:59 PM

Status :Daily Life Tip: Want healthy caring relationships? Don't sleep w/ escaped convicts, politicians or people w/ a tat that says vessel of pain.
Created at : 02/03/12 7:04 PM

Status :Its Friday night. Do you know where your morals are?
Created at : 02/03/12 5:53 PM

Status :@LISALLA1 said: " #Girls just want to have fun!" - @DaneCook said: " #Guys just want to have sex!"
Created at : 02/02/12 6:59 PM

Status :If I was trapped about to be gang attacked & you offered me a broken fish spatula & a wet magazine or Bradley Cooper. I'd have to think.
Created at : 02/02/12 6:37 PM

Status :Don't wanna brag but I know very powerful people. I just watched a pre-screening of the SuperBowl on Air Force One with Tupac.
Created at : 02/02/12 6:29 PM

Status :This is one of the worst things I've ever viewed but I can't stop singing it. I hate that this exists. DON'T WATCH: http://t.co/godlqdEi
Created at : 02/02/12 6:12 PM

Status :I listen to the voice in your head.
Created at : 02/02/12 4:14 PM

Status :It's #RThursday. Scroll back through my ramblings - RT posts that make your world a better place to rent in.
Created at : 02/02/12 3:22 PM

Status :When in doubt kill everybody.
Created at : 02/02/12 2:53 PM

Status :Wicked fricken pissa. Shit Boston Guys say: (Massholes) http://t.co/hYSkW0KW
Created at : 02/02/12 2:47 PM

Status :Blocking someone on Twitter is like banishing them to the Phantom Zone with Zod, Ursa & Non. #ThePowerOfOneButton #HaterJail
Created at : 02/01/12 10:17 PM

Status :Got a text, email & voicemail -same person- within 3 min. Waiting for a pigeon with a note tied to it's leg cooing on my window ledge next.
Created at : 02/01/12 9:19 PM

Status :Pfizer recalling birth control pills. Packaging error could lead to pregnancies. "Mommy, am I a gift?" -- "Ahh, more like a gaffe."
Created at : 02/01/12 5:27 PM

Status :I just swatted a butterfly before it flapped it's wings successfully preventing a hurricane.
Created at : 02/01/12 4:16 PM

Status :If you could just let me get in my zone for 30 seconds. I left my keys.
Created at : 01/31/12 9:57 PM

Status :If you laugh it's funny. If you don't laugh it's hipster hilarious.
Created at : 01/31/12 7:25 PM

Status :Christina Aguilera gives great head voice.
Created at : 01/31/12 6:38 PM

Status :I suffer from pre-tramatic post game stress test syndrome.
Created at : 01/31/12 5:40 PM

Status :Dating stinks. I asked a girl out, said she'd process the request & later emailed me a confirmation code.
Created at : 01/31/12 1:49 PM

Status :Sorry about that last reposting all but my auto-correct changed the word "wrong" to "blocked" which is not so much auto-correct but Skynet.
Created at : 01/30/12 10:17 PM

Status :Got a wrong # text. Called it. Outgoing message? My standup creepily slowed down. My plans tonight? Hmm, probably just getting murdered.
Created at : 01/30/12 10:15 PM

Status :@KateUpton said" "I'll get you a pair." - Thanks Up. Weird coincidence. I lost my virginity in that tiki thatch Ewok hut gazebo behind you.
Created at : 01/30/12 9:37 PM

Status :Newt Gingrich looks like an old lesbian.
Created at : 01/30/12 8:37 PM

Status :I like make-up sex but prefer you're-never-gonna-win-this-argument-babe-so-stop-sulking-let's-bang-then-go-eat sex.
Created at : 01/30/12 7:31 PM

Status :Make is wish... it's 5:04 on 1/30/2012.
Created at : 01/30/12 7:04 PM

Status :Sexiest tube socks ever. http://t.co/gHbjiojv
Created at : 01/30/12 6:58 PM

Status :FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.
Created at : 01/30/12 2:12 PM

Status :uh huh right pshh
Created at : 01/29/12 3:12 PM

Status :k
Created at : 01/29/12 3:08 PM

Status :sex
Created at : 01/29/12 3:03 PM

Status :weird
Created at : 01/29/12 2:59 PM

Status :ummmm hellllllooooo
Created at : 01/29/12 2:56 PM

Status :what else?
Created at : 01/29/12 2:55 PM

Status :food
Created at : 01/29/12 2:51 PM

Status :ha ... thanks
Created at : 01/29/12 2:48 PM

Status :just relaxin'
Created at : 01/29/12 2:45 PM

Status :sup?
Created at : 01/29/12 2:43 PM

Status :hey
Created at : 01/29/12 2:41 PM

Status :I dated a prostitute but had to break it off when I found out she was having sex with another guy for no money.
Created at : 01/28/12 6:14 PM

Status :Twitter needs font colors for trending topics. A persons name in black they've died, red they're arrested & multicolored they're openly gay.
Created at : 01/27/12 4:46 PM

Status :In the last week I've gotten thousands of emails & gifts. This cake is the tits. http://t.co/jAdvfeTd
Created at : 01/26/12 11:15 PM

Status :I can't tell when I'm kidding.
Created at : 01/26/12 8:28 PM

Status :I'm not Mr. Right. I'm Mr. Riiiiiiiight.
Created at : 01/26/12 6:11 PM

Status :I wish I could ejaculate fortunes.
Created at : 01/26/12 5:37 PM

Status :@courtney_cook "just took pic of the bro. Hope I'm this svelte by the time I'm 40. Secrets?" Stress, mono & photoshop. http://t.co/ub5TkT3p
Created at : 01/26/12 5:18 PM

Status :I'm a member of the taxiing for takeoff club.
Created at : 01/25/12 9:41 PM

Status :Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has shoved a finger in one to increase pleasure.
Created at : 01/25/12 5:09 PM

Status :We all know someone that suffers from a lack of substance abuse.
Created at : 01/25/12 4:28 PM

Status :I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.
Created at : 01/25/12 2:16 PM

Status :I'm part of an elite Counter Productive Task Force. Today we made flyers. Printed them on the back of missing persons posters. #CPTF
Created at : 01/24/12 7:30 PM

Status :I hate when my electric toothbrush loses charge & I have to use my girlfriends vibrator with a makeshift bristle coupling latched on top.
Created at : 01/24/12 6:41 PM

Status :Very difficult to masterbate in a silent movie theater. It's best to wait until a chase scene.
Created at : 01/24/12 4:18 PM

Status :IDEA: Mood cars. Vehicle color changes based on drivers behavior. Turns red; they're angry. White; they're sick. Pink: they're pregnant.
Created at : 01/24/12 2:20 PM

Status :Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.
Created at : 01/23/12 6:59 PM

Status :I just broke up with a girl in person. #OldSchool
Created at : 01/23/12 4:44 PM

Status :I wonder what terrorists do for fun.
Created at : 01/23/12 4:30 PM

Status :Watched hell of a game against Ravens. Congrats to our New England Patriots. Our pic looks like the worst lineup in sports history.
Created at : 01/22/12 7:19 PM

Status :@billburr @garygulman @johncampanelli1 @thechrisarmy @paulhughescomic @wayneprevidi @keithfoti @chrisfluming #Patriots http://t.co/xYCWKroS
Created at : 01/22/12 7:17 PM

Status :My Patriots are going to the SuperBowl!!!!! Moore swat was unreal. #Patriots
Created at : 01/22/12 5:17 PM

Status :I've got the east coast gang at my pad. Ready to represent. #GOPATS
Created at : 01/22/12 1:56 PM

Status :"Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker
Created at : 01/21/12 8:59 PM

Status :Fuck it- I'm sayin' it. GIRLS OF THE WORLD relax with the instagram pix of everything in front of you all day captioned "(object) FUN !!"
Created at : 01/21/12 6:42 PM

Status :Just ate a chicken wheat wrap in my fridge - 5 days old. It was like eating a damp roll of toilet paper brimming with antique food.
Created at : 01/21/12 6:14 PM

Status :This day refuses to end.
Created at : 01/21/12 4:31 AM

Status :I'm performing - tonight - Laugh Factory - 10 o'clock show.
Created at : 01/20/12 6:02 PM

Status :Burger King aka BK Lounge aka The Whopper Lair is now delivering. Finally, I'll get to hear them scream into my intercom.
Created at : 01/20/12 2:07 PM

Status :I wake up and put on my exosuit cargo-loader one leg at a time just like you.
Created at : 01/19/12 8:13 PM

Status :There is nothing more ferociously unstoppable than a reformed slut with intentions, know how & a pair of Louis Vuitton high heels.
Created at : 01/19/12 4:29 PM

Status :A few real deal comedy record albums I've collected. Storytellers/provokers/fantastical minds/Innovators. #inspiration http://t.co/xx3udaUW
Created at : 01/19/12 3:00 PM

Status :I'm a grown man but I'll admit I just drank a juice box while humming the theme song for The Great Space Coasters. #RegressedState
Created at : 01/19/12 2:32 PM

Status :Thoroughly enjoyed @SteveMartinToGo -Last chance to read my New Yorker piece before it goes into the netherworld: http://t.co/wmYlOs8n
Created at : 01/19/12 2:03 PM

Status :Listening to Patrice Oneal Mr P - please buy it $ goes to his fam. I loved him. He's legend. #funniest #truth http://t.co/h8MiNIdt
Created at : 01/19/12 3:40 AM

Status :@KristynCarey "God's teardrop has a sequel, her name is Kristyn. But seriously, great set tonight. Welcome back." - thx girl see ya at work
Created at : 01/19/12 3:35 AM

Status :@David_E_Lozano My boy @danecook stopped by the laugh factory tonight! So good! http://t.co/9m6pBmnP - thanks David - stay sharp- #beastmode
Created at : 01/19/12 3:33 AM

Status :@ColbyGroves "A lot of respect. Some real man shit. We've all been there! The come back kid!" - calling year 20delve #growth #change
Created at : 01/19/12 3:31 AM

Status :@dcollins61207 " thanks for the surprise show tonight!! Your back!!!" - incredible night - felt connected/something special happening
Created at : 01/19/12 3:27 AM

Status :Some people fail perfectly.
Created at : 01/18/12 4:36 PM

Status :#MarkWahlbergSaid he could've saved Kennedy by telling the bullets, "It would be in your best interest to miss."
Created at : 01/18/12 4:19 PM

Status :Mark Wahlberg said he could've fought terrorists on his plane, preventing 9/11. Sadly for us his movie Rock Star just could not be stopped.
Created at : 01/18/12 3:39 PM

Status :I'm in the mood for a blind taste test.
Created at : 01/18/12 3:15 PM

Status :It's one of those days where you feel like ruining someones perfectly good marriage.
Created at : 01/17/12 6:25 PM

Status :Cop: "Ma'am did you see the truck that hit you?" Ma'am: "Black, evil death skulls on fire, kinda dusty." http://t.co/vi0Q3aCH
Created at : 01/16/12 6:40 PM

Status :@hitRECordJoe I only want to tweet one thing about the Globes. Hey, Joseph Gorden-Levitt next time turn just your fucking chair around.
Created at : 01/16/12 1:19 AM