Dane Cook Tweetstream

Status :I'm in bed. I'm comfy. Something feels off. I'm watching Lock Up. I'm drifting. I'm awake. I'm in the wrong house. Shit. I live next door.
Created at : 09/08/10 4:36 AM

Status :Hitting the VMAs this weekend. I'm wearing a vintage 1969 Chevy Nova. Very heavy outfit. I'm sure to be winded.
Created at : 09/08/10 4:26 AM

Status :At least when you come in last place you get the "and" credit.
Created at : 09/07/10 11:10 PM

Status :I'm spiraling into control.
Created at : 09/07/10 6:31 PM

Status :Watched Dear Zachary last night. Jaw still agape. 1 of the best documentaries I've ever seen & I've seen over 6 of them.
Created at : 09/07/10 3:34 PM

Status :@OrganikHipHop oh man I'm missing all the good stuff. I got a rap battle shout out? Is it on tape? @JosephKahn #Detention
Created at : 09/06/10 10:44 PM

Status :See Machete w/ @JessicaAlba Lots of energy. Fun. Thrills. Its like Jaws if the shark was played by Danny Trejo.
Created at : 09/06/10 7:28 PM

Status :I received an excerpt from the song Kanye wrote for Taylor Swift. I'm sure it's just an early draft but it's (cont) http://tl.gd/3gf0bn
Created at : 09/05/10 9:36 PM

Status :Having to fight a standard poltergeist in your home is bad enough. Now a ninja ghost? That's a guaranteed weekend battle.
Created at : 09/05/10 9:14 PM

Status :YouTube away or check out the media stuff here http://www.robertschimmel.com I always said his razor sharp delivery was one of the best
Created at : 09/04/10 8:36 PM

Status :Laughter has bonded me with millions of people around the world. Your emails to me about my friend Robert Shimmell are perfect.
Created at : 09/04/10 8:35 PM

Status :Holiday weekend recap. Asked every1 2 take a pic of something around u 4 me. Here r 20 of ur pix w/my captions http://twitpic.com/2ko35q
Created at : 09/04/10 6:49 PM

Status :2 any1 dealing w/ cancer yourself or w/a friend or family member u ♥ my thoughts r w/u. Find moments 2 laugh its healing 4 immune system
Created at : 09/04/10 6:41 PM

Status :I'll take a broken heart over a toothache any day.
Created at : 09/04/10 5:13 PM

Status :@MrCowhead: When Schimmel was last in our studio, he talked about what a good guy u were & how cool u were to his daughter. - RS inspiring.
Created at : 09/04/10 1:20 AM

Status :Robert Schimmel was one the first people in comedy to call when my folks were fighting cancer. No ego no bs no small talk just inspiration
Created at : 09/04/10 1:20 AM

Status :Saturday morning better step in because Friday nights about to get knocked the fuck out.
Created at : 09/03/10 10:01 PM

Status :I don't look b4 I leap. As I'm mid leap I rapidly look around & prepare myself 4 what I'm about to land in. Certified leaper here.
Created at : 09/03/10 3:00 PM

Status :@SamTrammell thanks SamTram hope the Emmys were a blast. I was home playing Red Dead Redemption.
Created at : 09/02/10 8:47 PM

Status :@ralphmacchio thanks kid
Created at : 09/02/10 8:41 PM

Status :Ffffffffffff
Created at : 09/02/10 1:05 PM

Status :Contemplating if I should hop on a random WI-FI signal I picked up named JoinThisUFuckingDie
Created at : 09/01/10 7:28 PM

Status :Sneak peek #2. The illustruous Barbara Hershey & I in the forthcoming film Answers to Nothing. http://twitpic.com/2kcre6
Created at : 09/01/10 6:04 PM

Status :bankruptcy must suck but sexruptcy is humiliating & deathruptcy is just devestating
Created at : 09/01/10 5:50 PM

Status :Sneak peek @SamTrammell & I as the corrupt Sheriff Cowley & Sheriff Hutchins in the bad ass Guns,Girls&Gambling http://twitpic.com/2kcjuu
Created at : 09/01/10 5:36 PM

Status :Twitter wants me 2 follow @joelmchale wonder if hes being asked 2 follow me. So here we are.. a couple of Twitter gunslingers..
Created at : 09/01/10 4:28 PM

Status :"Foursquare & MTV team up for Cause Related Badge: STD Testing" - If you become mayor here you're screwed.
Created at : 08/31/10 1:51 PM

Status :Love vacation dreams. Hawaii. Swimming. Sun. Friends. Wolf wearing a top hat. BBQ. Dead aunt yelling about mortality. Moon exploding.
Created at : 08/31/10 1:33 PM

Status :@TheeRadko my thoughts & prayers r with you all. Cody was a great guy. It was my pleasure hanging with him.
Created at : 08/31/10 1:16 PM

Status :@realjeffreyross watching you jump in your pool and ruining your phone.
Created at : 08/31/10 3:57 AM

Status :Dancing with the Stars should call itself Dancing With The People You Kinda Know From Somewhere But Don't Really Care Anyways.
Created at : 08/31/10 2:59 AM

Status :www.facebook.com/DaneCook for the official official
Created at : 08/29/10 7:45 PM

Status :I'm so glad I'm on this side of the story.
Created at : 08/29/10 7:44 PM

Status :direct2dane@danecook.com my email - lets keep the tradition alive - what r u doing right now - email pic & 411 - anything goes - 2night
Created at : 08/28/10 10:05 PM

Status :Extraordinarily Normal Life. #3 http://twitpic.com/2isplh
Created at : 08/27/10 8:08 PM

Status :@MzMchelle Young bull but studied the old bulls. My new comedy gonna change games. Been in the lab. JayZ gonna say that kids good
Created at : 08/27/10 4:18 PM

Status :Launching my new fashion line this fall. 13 piece wool suits w/ copper buttons, brass belt & hyper color ties.
Created at : 08/26/10 2:31 AM

Status :The girl I'm hanging with just stubbed her tit.
Created at : 08/26/10 2:12 AM

Status :My new comic strip. Extraordinarily Normal Life. #2 http://yfrog.com/c937841679j
Created at : 08/25/10 8:38 PM

Status :My new comic strip. Extraordinarily Normal Life. http://yfrog.com/n1ywhsj
Created at : 08/25/10 3:09 PM

Status :What Tetris shape are you? #worstquestionever
Created at : 08/23/10 8:36 PM

Status :Don't underestimate me. Underapproximate me.
Created at : 08/23/10 6:05 PM

Status :@katharinemcphee glad u r ok KM. Weird. I was in car accident today in full makeup, hair, wardrobe & background singers. Ugly cops.
Created at : 08/22/10 11:50 PM

Status :“@graceandmanners: Hey... remember when u punched this dude at Dublins? He DID deserve it. http://twitpic.com/2h3neg” HE DID!
Created at : 08/22/10 2:45 AM

Status :I give subtle attention to my blatant disregard.
Created at : 08/21/10 7:51 PM

Status :@DaneCook & @thechrisarmy mashup @AutoTuneTheNews w/ Human League "Don't You Want Me" support @NOH8Campaign http://bit.ly/dCT7PW
Created at : 08/20/10 5:05 PM

Status :The truth will set you off.
Created at : 08/20/10 1:12 PM

Status :My heart is saying you need to stop calling all night.
Created at : 08/20/10 1:00 PM

Status :Mattress shopping in Kyrgyzstan. Anyone else feel that earthquake? Felt 5.2ish - depth gonna guess 10kms.
Created at : 08/20/10 12:56 PM

Status :Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, sometimes, time is the wound.
Created at : 08/19/10 9:54 PM

Status :This band has a killer song named after my quote off Retaliation. It's called "I'M A RIOT YOUR A RIOT" http://www.myspace.com/theblackout
Created at : 08/17/10 8:42 PM

Status :Picking up my dry cleaning in Halmahera, Indonesia. Anyone feel that earthquake?
Created at : 08/17/10 5:48 PM

Status :breakup anniversary sex is sensational.
Created at : 08/17/10 5:42 PM

Status :I have an insecurity alarm in my house. Instead of alerting the police it helps the robbers escape as an attempt to fit in.
Created at : 08/17/10 5:05 PM

Status :Want to see the cover of my new comedy CD? Head over to http://www.facebook.com/DaneCook & let me know whatcha think!
Created at : 08/17/10 4:27 PM

Status :Officially time to retire the term douche bag. Used today by a receptionist to describe a slow running computer.
Created at : 08/16/10 4:44 PM

Status :Loyalty is hard to find. I was just talking about this with an old back stabber I used to mistrust after numerous double dealings.
Created at : 08/16/10 3:26 PM

Status :You can't move mountains but you can move mountain climbers.
Created at : 08/16/10 3:09 PM

Status :Jesus & The Colonel. Together again. Secret recipes & end of days chat all night long. http://yfrog.com/7dvp2aej
Created at : 08/16/10 2:53 PM

Status :I don't do casual sex. I'm more of an extemporaneous, beguiled or fortuitous sex kinda guy.
Created at : 08/16/10 5:24 AM

Status :If jumped what's better to thwart the attackers advance? Mace, taser or Dinner For Schmucks?
Created at : 08/15/10 6:49 PM

Status :If you're happy & you know it clap your tweets!
Created at : 08/15/10 1:41 PM

Status :"Craigslist Killer” was found dead today from apparent suicide. What a tragedy. He had such a bright future.
Created at : 08/15/10 1:33 PM

Status :Who else is at the Midsummer Nights Dream Event at the Palms in Vegas? I'm here dressed like a kung-fu master wizard pirate.
Created at : 08/15/10 3:38 AM

Status :Took my new kayak out for a paddle in the Banda Sea. Anyone just feel that earthquake?
Created at : 08/15/10 3:32 AM

Status :1 of my fans @DonaldPPage sent me this. It's very cool. Music is choice. @devour u should post it. http://bit.ly/ce3nfI
Created at : 08/13/10 10:57 PM

Status :Meeting w/ @radicalcomics was killer. This is the kind of place my wildest ideas can come to life. Working harder after lunch.
Created at : 08/13/10 2:53 PM

Status :Big decision 2 make today. Was unsure to trust my gut or the other person. Twitter suggested I follow @DaneCook - thanks universe
Created at : 08/12/10 2:08 PM

Status :First Response sounds like a crappy action film. Starring a forgetful whore.
Created at : 08/11/10 9:48 PM

Status :4 my new movie Detention I decided to "faceoff" faces w/ Betty White in order 2 widen appeal & hype the film. http://yfrog.com/n8753j
Created at : 08/11/10 6:54 PM

Status :Your photos are awesome @courtney_cook u r so very talented. Our mom & pops r smiling down. Every1 support www.courtneycookimagery.com
Created at : 08/11/10 2:51 PM

Status :I'm a proud big brother 2day! My sister @courtney_cook just launched her photography site please visit & RT! www.courtneycookimagery.com
Created at : 08/11/10 2:46 PM

Status :If you are standing in front of me right now checking your Twitter & you happen to follow me. Can you please move over?
Created at : 08/11/10 2:35 PM

Status :My iPhone apps going 2 b insane. U put your DNA on a qtip insert it in the headphone jack & grow an avatar clone of yourself. iClone!
Created at : 08/10/10 10:39 PM

Status :If I'm ever a fugitive. I submit this 2 the law as my artist rendition. I'm about 6'1" w/pencil lik http://twitpic.com/2dj3sn
Created at : 08/10/10 6:52 PM

Status :I love u 2
Created at : 08/10/10 12:19 AM

Status :@Pink we should do a cover of Human League - Don't You Want Me megamixmashup'd w/Antoine Dobson Bed Intruder Song. @JosephKahn directs?
Created at : 08/09/10 11:51 PM

Status :1st watch this: http://bit.ly/bVadeh 2nd watch this & laugh face off: http://bit.ly/bGpZPY 3rd: RT post & thank God 4 me.
Created at : 08/09/10 9:03 PM

Status :Monday is mine. Had to call it... like shotgun.
Created at : 08/08/10 11:18 PM

Status :Burgers w/friends, laid out in the sun, Beast chillin w/me about to watch my Red Sox. Sundays r tops.
Created at : 08/08/10 6:41 PM

Status :These Depression era color pix make me think it wasn't that bad after all Amazing how color can change an era. http://bit.ly/cBu5F1
Created at : 08/07/10 1:27 PM

Status :@DaneCook is a trending topic. The modern day version of headlining Carnegie Hall. Thanks voyeurs!
Created at : 08/07/10 1:23 AM

Status :@MoBea said: watching u on ComedyCentral. Man, in ur younger days u looked like a douche! me: In my defense in 2001 douche look was in.
Created at : 08/07/10 12:23 AM

Status :come 2 my bday party means-hey celebrate my day of birth w/me! cum 2 my bday party means-hey jizz on my cake while u choke a wish outa me!
Created at : 08/07/10 12:16 AM

Status :RU in Los Angeles? Wanna b my guest an c a sneaky performance by me this weekend? Email a SU-FI pic 2 Direct2Dane@DaneCook.com
Created at : 08/06/10 11:41 PM

Status :I believe comedy is serious business. Yet, serious business is funny to me.
Created at : 08/05/10 10:23 PM

Status :RThursday. Scroll back & RT ur fav tweet of mine. It's fun, free, strokes my ego & u see what you missed.
Created at : 08/05/10 10:22 PM

Status :Encore frm last month. Talking comedy & swatting bs 2 the ground. WFTw/ @MarcMaron http://bit.ly/cTIEGr @GregFitzShow http://bit.ly/bCUK6v
Created at : 08/05/10 2:12 PM

Status :Ask. Receive. U missed @JoeRogan podcast? VID http://bit.ly/9rd979 - AUD http://tinyurl.com/23olzw6
Created at : 08/05/10 2:03 PM

Status :Late night breakfast at The Standard on Sunset Blvd. Life is better with eggs/bacon at 1:30am.
Created at : 08/05/10 3:32 AM

Status :I just hired a group of haters to wash my car. They are using keys, garden rakes & nail guns. Hope they wax the tires at least.
Created at : 08/04/10 8:32 PM

Status :I don't stress about petty trivial crap anymore. But seriously I'm gonna strangle whoever left an empty soda can in my Delorean.
Created at : 08/04/10 8:09 PM

Status :Driving around LA at night. It's dream filled and scary.
Created at : 08/04/10 4:06 AM

Status :Today was a really great fucking day. I was thoroughly pleased with it. The only bad part is tomorrow can't possibly live up to it.
Created at : 08/03/10 10:44 PM

Status :Just finished hanging out w/ @JoeRogan doing his podcast. Will link it shortly. Great hang Joe.
Created at : 08/03/10 8:31 PM

Status :@BillCosby Doing Letterman with you hosting will forever be a highlight of my career. Congrats on not being dead!
Created at : 08/02/10 5:57 PM

Status :@Pink @hartluck I had a great time w/u both last night. Nice surprising ya CH! Next time lets skip the comedy & just do a 3some.
Created at : 08/02/10 5:54 PM