Stephen Colbert Tweetstream

Status :Remember: Everyone makes mistakes. So if you haven't already apologized to me, you soon will.
Created at : 09/10/10 1:35 PM

Status :What a week! Troops! The Vice-President! John Legend! I can't believe my elaborate ploy to get a Toto toilet worked!
Created at : 09/09/10 11:01 PM

Status :Can't believe Petraeus made an appearance on the show. Some people will do any lifetime of military service to get on TV.
Created at : 09/09/10 10:53 PM

Status :I believe Sexy Hotdog Man was cobbled together from hooves and lips of other mascots.
Created at : 09/09/10 10:46 PM

Status :Had to rappel in today - yesterday we had a little mishap with the tank. Sidenote: the brakes on those things are so mushy!
Created at : 09/09/10 10:37 PM

Status :The unedited version of the biden interview lasted 28 hours. That guy can talk.
Created at : 09/08/10 10:53 PM

Status :Tonight, I welcome the troops home for an all-out spectacular extravaganza celebration blowout! But, you know, bigger.
Created at : 09/08/10 9:25 PM

Status :Why is it PB&J? have a little self-respect, J, and demand top billing. We all know PB is just coasting.
Created at : 09/08/10 6:25 PM

Status :By hook or by crook, I pledge to stop beginning sentences with outdated idioms that nobody understands.
Created at : 09/08/10 4:01 PM

Status :Quit asking for a cracker, Polly. You know I don't believe in handouts.
Created at : 09/08/10 11:30 AM

Status :Getting in fighting form for Biden's arrival tomorrow. If I nail him in the interview, I think I automatically become VP.
Created at : 09/07/10 10:59 PM

Status :Still waiting for ACLU to pick up my class-action lawsuit against bathroom attendants. I KNOW GENERIC-BRAND SCOPE WHEN I TASTE IT!
Created at : 09/07/10 10:54 PM

Status :This tweet is to officially announce that this tweet is not my announcement.
Created at : 09/07/10 10:40 PM

Status :The revolution will not be TIVO'd. Sorry, but I have to save the space for Bing Bang Theory episodes.
Created at : 09/04/10 7:07 PM

Status :I've been known to tickle the ivories, which is why I'm not allowed near the elephants at the zoo.
Created at : 09/03/10 12:07 PM

Status :Can anybody babysit for me while I'm on break? Or to be more accurate, baby-cageless-cobra-sit for me?
Created at : 09/01/10 2:00 PM

Status :Nobody puts Stephen in a corner. Because that's where I keep all my outdated movie references.
Created at : 09/01/10 10:00 AM

Status :I’m a real American. I don’t just take Labor Day off, I take Labor Week off. See you on the 7th!
Created at : 08/30/10 9:01 AM

Status :See you at the emmys this weekend! To help you recognize me, i'll be the one holding an emmy.
Created at : 08/26/10 10:59 PM

Status :Still can't decide how to dress for Beck's 8/28 rally. Silk pantaloons or Continental Congress Casual?
Created at : 08/26/10 10:45 PM

Status :If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then I guess I just got away with tree murder.
Created at : 08/26/10 9:46 AM

Status :By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.
Created at : 08/25/10 10:45 PM

Status :My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.
Created at : 08/25/10 10:37 PM

Status :If our flag has 13 stripes, shouldn't our year have 13 months? The new month can be called Amonthica. Also I need to take Amonthica 3rd off.
Created at : 08/25/10 12:55 PM

Status :my two emmys are getting along so well, i think one of them might be pregnant
Created at : 08/25/10 9:57 AM

Status :Iran began loading rods into their reactor. But I thought Iran's strict moral code called for the stoning of anyone caught "rod loading"?
Created at : 08/24/10 10:55 PM

Status :Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it.
Created at : 08/24/10 10:50 PM

Status :Have you seen this? http://yfrog.com/mu3xpj
Created at : 08/24/10 10:43 PM

Status :The one thing I'll never understand about calculus is how to do it.
Created at : 08/24/10 1:15 PM

Status :If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.
Created at : 08/24/10 10:15 AM

Status :If there are any ufo nielsen families out there, please tell me what I can do to attract you. Human enslavement? Guest probes? just say it.
Created at : 08/23/10 10:55 PM

Status :This Emmy is my new favorite rich guy thing to serve tacos out of.
Created at : 08/23/10 10:45 PM

Status :I can't believe my writers won another Emmy. Now they're going to start demanding snack breaks.
Created at : 08/23/10 10:40 PM

Status :If (well-known maxim), then why (twist on literal meaning of maxim)? Hey, my writers didn't do my tweets either!
Created at : 08/23/10 10:35 PM

Status :I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent.
Created at : 08/23/10 12:34 PM

Status :You have to break a few chairs if you want to make an omelet. I'm sorry, making omelets just makes me really mad.
Created at : 08/23/10 9:36 AM

Status :bed bugs are on the rise, giving way to the new expression: "goodnight. sleep tight. oh my god! they're everywhere! get them off!"
Created at : 08/20/10 9:40 PM

Status :It's a good thing the gulf shrimp aren't tainted -- I'd hate to be forced to eat at the Bubba Gump Slug Company.
Created at : 08/19/10 10:45 PM

Status :It’s OK. One of my best friends is cinnabar.
Created at : 08/18/10 10:47 PM

Status :I can see why all these people want to leave Mexico. Last time I was in Cabo, the towel service was ATROCIOUS.
Created at : 08/18/10 10:41 PM

Status :This just in: Brett Favre has re-retired! Probably. I’m playing the odds on this one.
Created at : 08/18/10 10:35 PM

Status :Should news organizations make campaign contributions? Isn't it enough that they refuse to ask follow-up questions?
Created at : 08/17/10 10:50 PM

Status :Caution: my piece on the meat industry may contain portions of my piece on the rodent hair industry.
Created at : 08/17/10 10:40 PM

Status :The worst part about Newsweek rating America below Luxembourg is that now I've heard of Luxembourg.
Created at : 08/17/10 10:36 PM

Status :It appears I didn't get the lead role in Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Guess I should have waited before getting inked.
Created at : 08/17/10 2:52 PM

Status :How much is that doggie in the window? The one with leather and laces. Oh, wait, that's a pair of shoes.
Created at : 08/17/10 12:52 PM

Status :Why does Mexico need gay marriage? We already have a gay Mexico-- Spain.
Created at : 08/16/10 10:52 PM

Status :Richard Clarke warns: next terrorist act will be cyber attack. That’s why I recommend sticking to TV till this whole thing blows over.
Created at : 08/16/10 10:48 PM

Status :So many people have security clearance, that top-secret files are now exchanged via skywriting.
Created at : 08/16/10 10:45 PM

Status :No fair! President Obama ate ice cream on his vacation so now I have to oppose ice cream!
Created at : 08/16/10 10:35 PM

Status :Today is August 16. Happy Mandatory Date Acknowledgment Day!
Created at : 08/16/10 7:53 PM

Status :I can't believe it's INSERT DATE HERE and I still haven't resorted to using a reusable template for these Tweets!
Created at : 08/13/10 7:01 PM

Status :They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!
Created at : 08/13/10 12:50 PM

Status :shoot! forgot to find out if Chuck Close is actually a great artist by making him draw the free art test turtle.
Created at : 08/12/10 10:51 PM

Status :it was nice to check in on our nation's seniors. can't wait to see what those guys are up to in another 40 years!
Created at : 08/12/10 10:45 PM

Status :i was shocked fox news had such old viewers considering all their young, hip ads for walk-in bathtubs and mesothelioma lawyers.
Created at : 08/12/10 10:35 PM

Status :If a Butterfinger doesn't list butter as an ingredient, then is it all just finger?
Created at : 08/12/10 1:34 PM

Status :Rush posted his wedding photos on Facebook. See if you can find me hiding in the floral arrangements.
Created at : 08/12/10 10:56 AM

Status :Wikileaks may be set to release even more sensitive documents. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to not read these either.
Created at : 08/12/10 9:59 AM

Status :MTV has just hired its first "Twitter Jockey." Let's hope she remixes this tweet into her dope new jam.
Created at : 08/11/10 10:59 PM

Status :Another nonlethal -azer weapon: the Blazer. That's where the police put a nice blazer on you and then beat you with a club.
Created at : 08/11/10 10:50 PM

Status :People who are opposed to tasers are buzzkills. Literally.
Created at : 08/11/10 10:45 PM

Status :congratulations! if you're reading this, there is a 5% chance newt gingrich has already divorced you
Created at : 08/11/10 10:35 PM

Status :I think my DVR is broken, or has the new season of "Joey" not started yet?
Created at : 08/11/10 7:16 PM

Status :the media was right to compare michelle obama to marie antoniette. after all, they both ... I don't know who marie antoniette is.
Created at : 08/11/10 9:16 AM

Status :dylan ratigan is my favorite host on msnbc, next to Foofa. Wait, I'm thinking of Yo Gabba Gabba. Easy mistake.
Created at : 08/10/10 10:56 PM

Status :hey internet girl who quit with a whiteboard: next time start your meme on a day when someone doesn't quit with the AIRPLANE EMERGENCY SLIDE
Created at : 08/10/10 10:46 PM

Status :If we repeal the 14th amendment, does that means there's room for another 2nd amendment? Same as the old one, but this time in all caps.
Created at : 08/10/10 10:35 PM

Status :A-Rod has 600 homers and Elena Kagan is on the Supreme Court. Or is it the other way around?
Created at : 08/06/10 1:05 PM

Status :Congratulations to Kagan on her confirmation. I'm sure she'll make a fine destroyer of the constitution.
Created at : 08/06/10 8:30 AM

Status :Warning: Catholic TV viewers should remove their 3D glasses when approaching the bright light of heaven or risk serious eye damage.
Created at : 08/05/10 10:50 PM

Status :jonathan! oh god i miss u! can i come back? i'm so sorry i left you to run "groomin' grooms" all by yourself!
Created at : 08/05/10 10:45 PM

Status :Lady Gaga wrote a new song to celebrate the Prop 8 ruling. Well, it is the only way she'll ever be able to marry one of her costumes.
Created at : 08/05/10 10:40 PM

Status :34 billionaires are giving away half of their fortunes. Can't wait to check the mail tomorrow!
Created at : 08/05/10 12:33 PM

Status :Brett Favre now says he won't retire if his ankle heals. So if you had 18 hours in your Favre Retirement Pool, congratulations!
Created at : 08/04/10 10:59 PM

Status :Austin, Texas is celebrating Obama's birthday with a luau. How appropriate to honor him by pretending to be Hawaiian.
Created at : 08/04/10 10:36 PM

Status :I had something damning to say about Post-It notes, but I can't remember what it was.
Created at : 08/04/10 2:35 PM

Status :I don't trust butterflies. To me, they'll always be caterpillar defectors.
Created at : 08/04/10 12:48 PM

Status :Barney Frank came back! You can't see it but I was dancing behind him the whole time.
Created at : 08/03/10 10:47 PM

Status :I met my minimum credit card payment this month, so I'll only confess to the murder weapon: poisoned windowsill pie.
Created at : 08/03/10 10:41 PM

Status :I think I pulled my groin during the sport report. Gotta remember to stretch during commercials.
Created at : 08/02/10 10:50 PM

Status :Can't wait for the London Olympics. I'm already filling up on Earl Grey Gatorade.
Created at : 08/02/10 10:46 PM

Status :I'm excited to be gay! Just think how it's going to improve my self esteem now that I'm highly attracted to myself.
Created at : 08/02/10 10:40 PM

Status :I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited for 2047's Robotic Housewives of Moon City.
Created at : 07/30/10 2:43 PM

Status :Even The Real Housewives have been hit by the recession, having to settle for Bulgarian waxes. That's the one where they add hair.
Created at : 07/29/10 10:53 PM

Status :Typing from inside the apology box. Someone please come free my head.
Created at : 07/29/10 10:47 PM

Status :If I learned anything from playing whack-a-mole, the oil spills will stop once we run out of quarters and our mom picks us up.
Created at : 07/29/10 10:40 PM

Status :need investors! just came up with the most indulgent sandwich shop ever: "rub-a-dub-sub" the only place to eat a hoagie in a bathtub.
Created at : 07/29/10 2:22 PM

Status :Continental Airlines is testing self-boarding in Houston. Does this mean I won't be carried through security via 4-man sedan anymore?
Created at : 07/29/10 10:56 AM

Status :Turns out you "can" make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. It's just a really bad omelet.
Created at : 07/29/10 9:02 AM

Status :I was hoping the guy from Tesla would do an acoustic cover of "Signs". Oh, well.
Created at : 07/28/10 10:55 PM

Status :I guess we know now why Basil Marceaux's dad, Marcel, stayed silent.
Created at : 07/28/10 10:50 PM

Status :No more tax cuts for the wealthy! Oops - looks like my comma key wasn’t working for a second. I meant: No, more tax cuts for the wealthy!
Created at : 07/28/10 10:45 PM

Status :Back in the Boy SEALs I was a ballistics expert. In that the older kids used to throw firecrackers at me.
Created at : 07/28/10 10:40 PM

Status :In another dimension is there The Colbdog Report with segments like Tug of My Leash/Wag of My Tail, Who's Not Feeding Me Now, and The Bark?
Created at : 07/28/10 12:35 PM

Status :They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I say, find a new heart surgeon.
Created at : 07/28/10 10:47 AM

Status :More breaking news on Obvi-Leaks: Reports Confirm: Stove Hot.
Created at : 07/27/10 10:45 PM

Status :Why doesn't Wikileaks release documents that Americans actually want to see, like Barack Obama's birth certificate?
Created at : 07/27/10 10:40 PM

Status :Chatroulette wants to eliminate nudity. The two remaining users will have a great conversation.
Created at : 07/27/10 12:55 PM

Status :Tonight's guest brings to mind the old dating axiom: 'Why buy the cow if she's not going to have sex with you for at least a year anyway?'
Created at : 07/26/10 10:55 PM