Stephen Colbert Tweetstream

Status :Figured out how to monetize cat-breading: Add dog-baguetteing. I'm gonna make a fortune!
Created at : 02/02/12 10:59 PM

Status :Great. Now I can't get Newt's version of "Eye of the Tiger" out of my head. I'll be humming about the Founders' faith all night.
Created at : 02/02/12 10:54 PM

Status :Tonight, I disclose the hard numbers on my SuperPac. Here's a preview: 4.
Created at : 02/02/12 9:01 PM

Status :Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney have combined into a Frankenstein creature named Nitt Romgrich. It cries coconut milk. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 10:31 AM

Status :Mitt Romney is electric! In that it's very possible he's powered by a 12-volt battery. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 8:21 AM

Status :Newt Gingrich married his High School Math Teacher. Not a #preparethem tweet, just true.
Created at : 02/02/12 8:11 AM

Status :Mitt Romney has the sense of humor of a brick in a washing machine, just not the rhythm. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 6:56 AM

Status :Newt Gingrich is actually the Michelin Man with a coat of peach paint and a wig. #preparethem.
Created at : 02/02/12 6:26 AM

Status :Mitt Romney's favorite Star Wars movie is: all six of them are pretty good, which one do you like? That's his favorite too! #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 4:30 AM

Status :Newt Gingrich will stick with this campaign until the convention...unless his publisher stops selling his book. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 4:10 AM

Status :Mitt is concerned about the very poor in this country--specifically, that they might get their germs on him. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 1:31 AM

Status :Newt Gingrich is a family values candidate. He values families so much, he's had three! #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 1:20 AM

Status :Mitt Romney will make an absolutely fearless Commander-in-Chief, because fear is a human emotion. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 12:40 AM

Status :Newt has as much chance becoming president as he does mayor of his moon base. Actually, moon base mayor is far more likely. #preparethem
Created at : 02/02/12 12:10 AM

Status :Mitt Romney does not want to fire you, unless it is absolutely, positively possible. Romney 2012! #preparethem
Created at : 02/01/12 11:30 PM

Status :No one should question Newt's moral character. Especially since the answers will haunt your dreams. Newt 2012! #preparethem
Created at : 02/01/12 11:16 PM

Status :Newt's only hope for your vote is if you've been in a coma for 20 years. And if you have, he probably divorced you. Newt 2012! #preparethem
Created at : 02/01/12 10:39 PM

Status :Mitt Romney is not a vulture capitalist. Vultures only eat things that are dead. Romney 2012! #preparethem
Created at : 02/01/12 10:39 PM

Status :History is written by the winners. However, the penises drawn in history books are often written by the 5th graders.
Created at : 02/01/12 10:01 AM

Status :Sometimes Sarah Palin confuses Rage Against the Machine with their conservative counterparts Obey the Machine.
Created at : 01/31/12 10:46 PM

Status :Awwwwww shucky ducky! It's as much fun to type as it is to shucky duck!
Created at : 01/31/12 10:40 PM

Status :Tonight, my guest Björk's new album combines music and science. When Thomas Dolby tried this, he was tragically blinded.
Created at : 01/31/12 7:59 PM

Status :I just put an invisible fence collar on my Super Pac money so it can't run away again.
Created at : 01/30/12 10:50 PM

Status :If those explosives-detecting dolphins are so smart, how come they've never found a land mine?
Created at : 01/30/12 10:42 PM

Status :Is it weird that when Jon was hanging upside down, I wanted him to wear a Spiderman mask and call me Mary Jane?
Created at : 01/30/12 10:35 PM

Status :Send my SuperPAC hostage $ care packages! Seriously the Ben Franklins have started to eat the Alexander Hamiltons http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/29/12 9:01 AM

Status :New Money Pro Tip: Don't buy individually-wrapped caviar. Too much work.
Created at : 01/28/12 7:30 PM

Status :Jon Stewart stole my Super PAC, Donate now and write how angry you are on the check's memo line! http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/28/12 11:01 AM

Status :I want to give a Shout Out to Middlebury College, specifically the Half Years and the Coffrin Tales! Enjoy your points.
Created at : 01/27/12 4:36 PM

Status :Working over 11 hrs/day doubles your risk of depression. But when you work in TV, that's a sacrifice you have to have Jay the Intern make.
Created at : 01/27/12 4:02 PM

Status :Bob Dole called Newt Gingrich a "one-man-band who rarely took advice." And worse, he rarely took requests.
Created at : 01/27/12 2:09 PM

Status :Remember: You have to spend money to make money, or in this case, donate money to make Jon give me back my money. http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/27/12 8:01 AM

Status :Jon better not be taking my money to see "Red Tails." I promised my cash we'd see that together! Donate today! http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/26/12 10:55 PM

Status :Dr. Keith Ablow did a great job explaining how Newt Gingrich's negative shortcomings are actually positive tallgoings.
Created at : 01/26/12 10:42 PM

Status :Tonight, my guest Drew Barrymore is in a new movie called "Big Miracle." Finally, a movie about a giant Jesus!
Created at : 01/26/12 9:30 PM

Status :DAY 4 SuperPac Hostage Crisis! Don't let my money starve--send it some money-food (which is also money)! Donate! http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/25/12 11:01 PM

Status :It's the Chinese Year of the Dragon. Or it could just be a bootleg lizard with horns glued on.
Created at : 01/25/12 10:50 PM

Status :I have a ton of other children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?
Created at : 01/25/12 10:46 PM

Status :Tonight's debate was a real barn burner! (Odds are there's a debate tonight, so I'm tweeting just to be safe.)
Created at : 01/25/12 10:00 PM

Status :Tonight, my guest is Fresh Air's Terry Gross. To properly enjoy my interview, you should watch it while stuck in traffic.
Created at : 01/25/12 9:30 PM

Status :Day 3 of my SuperPAC hostage crisis! Don't hurt my $, Jon! It has sentimental value, & even more monetary value! http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/25/12 6:01 AM

Status :I miss my Super PAC money! Please write how much I love them on a large denomination bill and send it to http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/25/12 1:00 AM

Status :Children's books can be dangerous. Where else can kids find detailed plans on pop-hopping?
Created at : 01/24/12 10:42 PM

Status :Day 2 of my SuperPAC hostage crisis! Please give $ to keep my other money company. http://t.co/QEyswj3Y
Created at : 01/24/12 10:37 PM

Status :SOTU drinking game: One shot after each time Obama says something socialist. If you’re confused, it’s at the end of every sentence.
Created at : 01/24/12 8:00 PM

Status :To protest WA legalizing gay marriage, I will stop listening to my grunge CDs. And to show how serious I am, I'm stopping in 1995.
Created at : 01/24/12 10:03 AM

Status :Of all my exploratory committee members, I'm going miss Roll of Quarters most. But that's because I haven't done laundry in, like, a month.
Created at : 01/23/12 10:43 PM

Status :Unlike Obama, President Gingrich would NEVER bow to the Saudi King. He's too top heavy to risk leaning forward.
Created at : 01/23/12 10:36 PM

Status :Vote for Herman Cain in the South Carolina primary! If you don't live in South Carolina, relocate! (Not you, illegal immigrants.)
Created at : 01/21/12 6:53 AM

Status :South Carolina voters, here's a rhyme to help you remember to vote for Herman Cain on Saturday: Vote Cain on Saturdain!
Created at : 01/20/12 4:17 PM

Status :Catch me & Herman Cain at the Cistern @ College of Charleston at 1 pm today. If you get lost, just look for the shining beacon of Democracy.
Created at : 01/20/12 7:03 AM

Status :While you're getting ready for my rally with Cain at the Cistern @ College of Charleston, check me out on @Morning_Joe this morning!
Created at : 01/20/12 6:45 AM

Status :Come see me & Herman Cain at the Cistern @ College of Charleston at 1 pm Friday. You'll learn a lot. For example, what a cistern is.
Created at : 01/19/12 10:46 PM

Status :A vote for Cain is a vote for me. Unless it's a vote for Cain, in which case--what are you doing? He's not even running!
Created at : 01/19/12 5:01 PM

Status :Come to my rally on Fri @ 1pm @ the Cistern at College of Charleston and show your support for Herman Cain for me.
Created at : 01/19/12 11:02 AM

Status :Remember, South Carolina voters: a vote for Herman Cain is a vote for a chance to vote for me. Make your vote possibly count!
Created at : 01/19/12 8:01 AM

Status :Herman Cain & I are so far outside the Beltway, we're in South Carolina! Or we will be Fri @ 1 PM @ the Cistern at College of Charleston!
Created at : 01/18/12 10:45 PM

Status :If the grass is always greener on the other side, why don't we all just go over there? Problem solved!
Created at : 01/18/12 9:21 AM

Status :God is so bad at matchmaking that he set Lot up with a salt lick.
Created at : 01/17/12 10:50 PM

Status :Wikipedia will go dark in protest of SOPA. Now where am I supposed to find inaccurate information about SOPA?
Created at : 01/17/12 10:17 AM

Status :Jon Huntsman's campaign will be missed. And largely was.
Created at : 01/16/12 10:42 PM

Status :Don't miss my appearance on NBC's Rock Center tonight @ 10 pm EST! I'll be discussing Super PACs, but don't worry--I talk about myself too.
Created at : 01/16/12 8:00 PM

Status :Welcome to Twitter, @MichelleObama! Please ignore my following old hashtags #ExerciseSucks, #GardeningIsForGrannies, #FatKidsAreCooler
Created at : 01/13/12 10:12 AM

Status :It's been an hour since I gave Jon my Superpac & I already miss my money! I hope he remembers it likes 2 be pet & sung 2. #majorannouncement
Created at : 01/12/12 11:45 PM

Status :My Super PAC will be in good hands with Jon Stewart. Not that I'm close enough with Jon to know if he has hands or not. #majorannouncement
Created at : 01/12/12 10:51 PM

Status :If you're gawking at Twitter right now, you're missing my #majorannouncement - quick, put on @ComedyCentral!
Created at : 01/12/12 10:31 PM

Status :SUPER HUGE BIG TIME ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE REPORT TOMORROW @ 11:30 PM EST! TUNE IN!!! ALSO, MY CAPS LOCK IS JAMMED!
Created at : 01/11/12 10:59 PM

Status :Tonight, my guest @Gstephanopoulos left "This Week," but now he's back. He's the Grover Cleveland of Sunday shows.
Created at : 01/11/12 9:01 PM

Status :Now, if you held an Alice in Wonderland party on Cloud City, then yes, maybe Chewbacca would attend. But Earth? It makes no sense!
Created at : 01/10/12 10:52 PM

Status :Dead people are ruining our values with their promiscuous afterlife. Whose idea do you think it was to make marriage Til Death Do Us Part?
Created at : 01/10/12 10:48 PM

Status :Under Rick Santorum's health care plan, doctors will ask you to strip down to a sweater vest.
Created at : 01/10/12 10:45 PM

Status :My guest tonight, broadcasting legend Bill Moyers, has a new show on public television. I'll ask him to appraise my antique corn holders.
Created at : 01/10/12 9:16 PM

Status :WI police arrested a man named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. But please, call him Beezow. Mr. Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is his FATHER.
Created at : 01/10/12 2:23 PM

Status :Can't wait to hear how NH tackles "All fish weirs throughout England are to be dismantled." Free ride's over, fish weirs!
Created at : 01/09/12 10:41 PM

Status :Happy Birthday, Kate Middleton! I can't believe we're both 30 now!
Created at : 01/09/12 9:01 PM

Status :NFL Playoffs start this weekend! Though the games have been a lot less dramatic since they made the rule that a dog CAN'T play football.
Created at : 01/06/12 12:11 PM

Status :My New Year's resolution: publish New Year's resolutions on January 1st. (These are so hard to live up to.)
Created at : 01/05/12 9:12 PM

Status :Santorum spent just $0.73 per vote in Iowa. Hope all his supporters are enjoying their promotional half-a-Three-Musketeers.
Created at : 01/04/12 10:41 PM

Status :Tonight, I reveal the big winner out of Iowa. That's right--I finally get to read state Powerball numbers on the air! Living the dream!
Created at : 01/04/12 9:32 PM

Status :If you, or someone you love, is a corporation, do not sign this. http://t.co/XGpfCqko
Created at : 01/04/12 12:57 AM

Status :Kim Jong Il lives on in the hearts of all North Koreans. Thanks partly to his mandatory implant-pieces-of-my-corpse-in-your-hearts edict.
Created at : 01/03/12 10:50 PM

Status :Mayor Bloomberg and Lady Gaga's celebrity couple name? "MayLady BloomGa."
Created at : 01/03/12 10:47 PM

Status :No snails were harmed during tonight's episode. Though we had to butcher the cucumbers pretty brutally.
Created at : 01/03/12 10:42 PM

Status :I learned a lot covering the Iowa caucuses. For instance: Iowa and Idaho are not the same place. Uh oh, I'm becoming a geography nerd!
Created at : 01/03/12 10:37 PM

Status :BREAKING SUPER PAC NEWS! THE TRUE STORY BEHIND S.C. GOP PRIMARY NAMING RIGHTS! PLUS: I FIND OUT iPADS HAVE CAPS LOCK! http://t.co/tWxRCXTf
Created at : 12/22/11 7:46 AM

Status :Doing some web cruising on vacay. My new favorite twitter feed.Check this dude out! He's making sense! http://t.co/7EFME9tq
Created at : 12/22/11 7:41 AM

Status :I'm off for two weeks! But don't worry, I hired someone to water the show while I'm gone.
Created at : 12/16/11 9:21 AM

Status :My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.
Created at : 12/15/11 10:59 PM

Status :Gee, Daniel Craig, thanks a lot for all the smoldering good looks.  The fire marshall just assessed me a huge fine.
Created at : 12/15/11 10:56 PM

Status :I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.
Created at : 12/15/11 10:41 PM

Status :You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.
Created at : 12/15/11 9:12 AM

Status :I'm glad Congress is keeping the military safe from bestiality. It's the love that dare not bark its name.
Created at : 12/14/11 10:41 PM

Status :Canada plans to back out of the Kyoto treaty. My compliments to what will soon be called the Great Gray North.
Created at : 12/14/11 2:12 PM

Status :Anderson Cooper calls himself a journalist and yet he can't even say or spell "Ridiculous" correctly.
Created at : 12/13/11 10:50 PM

Status :The latest challenge for members of the Occupy movement? Keeping their parents from finding out what they mean by "working on Wall Street."
Created at : 12/13/11 10:40 PM

Status :Ate a whole loptg of butttter durikgn show2. Fingerees are gvery slipery.....
Created at : 12/12/11 10:59 PM

Status :This Norwegian butter shortage is the worst international food crisis since they devalued the chocolate euro.
Created at : 12/12/11 10:50 PM

Status :The Dept. of Transportation wants to ban texting while driving. Then how am I supposed to let the car behind me know I'm turning?
Created at : 12/09/11 10:04 AM

Status :I'd better check my list twice, because it looks like those two Santas were being naughty AND nice.
Created at : 12/08/11 10:50 PM

Status :If I were a doctor prescribing a fecal transplant, I'd lighten the mood by saying, "Take a #2 and call me in the morning."
Created at : 12/08/11 10:42 PM