Sarah Silverman Tweetstream

Status :Palmer's cocoa butter wins! But I think we all win, really.
Created at : 09/07/10 4:46 PM

Status :Sisters of color-- what's a good moisturizer?
Created at : 09/07/10 4:18 PM

Status :The kid on 2 1/2 Men is a man. They have to change the title to Three Men. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL
Created at : 09/06/10 9:00 PM

Status :"Yich. My oldy-looking hands." (things to not say out loud while giving a hand job)
Created at : 09/06/10 12:45 AM

Status :Nice blouse, dick.
Created at : 09/05/10 9:34 PM

Status :Dreamed I was great at guitar. Like made-upFrench that seems real- hands scrambling over strings #stillasleep
Created at : 09/05/10 11:38 AM

Status :If I could pick my own condition I'd pick rosacia.
Created at : 09/05/10 12:34 AM

Status :"I'm happy to say I licked the big C. And I beat cancer." -Robert Schimmel RIP
Created at : 09/04/10 9:27 PM

Status :PHONE ACTING INSTITUTE starring @cococohen http://twitvid.com/UGAAZ
Created at : 09/04/10 6:44 PM

Status :Natural disaster epidemic can create world peace via the buddy-movie template: #enemiesworking2gether4 commongoal
Created at : 09/04/10 5:00 PM

Status :Goodnight to boobs big & long. Goodnight to 50-cent-piece areolas. Goodnight 1 inch nipples.
Created at : 09/04/10 1:37 AM

Status :#FF RT @clarkekant The only magic I believe in is boobs.
Created at : 09/03/10 8:19 PM

Status :How did I live this long without having seen that Double Rainbow video and it's autotune companion??
Created at : 09/03/10 12:24 AM

Status :GO SEE MY TV DAD TONIGHT! RT @cococohen The Mark Cohen Band at Molly Malone's 575 S. Fairfax Ave. LA 8 PM
Created at : 09/02/10 6:21 PM

Status :My favorite planets are Mercury, Saturn and Mazda.
Created at : 09/02/10 2:51 PM

Status :Feeling like I'm about to happen upon a body. #cantwaitforL&OLA
Created at : 08/31/10 12:32 AM

Status :Holy FUCK- Eva Longoria loves shoes! #redcarpetrevelations #Emmys #livetweeting
Created at : 08/29/10 6:46 PM

Status :Christina Hendricks' tits are nuts. #bignaturals #breastsnballz
Created at : 08/29/10 6:42 PM

Status :Goodnight world, goodnight Mr. Sulkin, goodnight Grover's Corners
Created at : 08/29/10 2:49 AM

Status :I just saw the future and it's terrible
Created at : 08/28/10 10:01 PM

Status :HOW CAN MY VOICE BE SO NASAL WHEN MY NOSTRILS ARE SO BIG?? #mybodyisbeingridiculous
Created at : 08/28/10 6:40 PM

Status :R.I.P. @TheSteveAgee http://moby.to/sjvvwt
Created at : 08/28/10 6:02 PM

Status :Hi fellas! Just so u know, hair gel, fake tans& gym-muscles are a turnoff to women of substance. xo
Created at : 08/28/10 12:27 AM

Status :Hey homeless people, if you want help so badly then cute yourselves up like cutie homeless doggies.
Created at : 08/27/10 6:01 PM

Status :Benefit at LARGO tues the 31st w/ me, @DavidSpade @adamcarolla @ToddGlass get your tickets nowish!
Created at : 08/27/10 5:18 PM

Status :Get ready for BACKWASH, Doris! http://tinyurl.com/3xr62xk
Created at : 08/27/10 12:27 PM

Status :The chemistry of my hands has changed-for the past week I cannot get a lather going. #Amiasuperhero
Created at : 08/26/10 10:56 PM

Status :You don't know them til they take off their gloves.
Created at : 08/26/10 3:34 PM

Status :It's crazy that every culture has music. It's like, WHY?
Created at : 08/26/10 12:13 AM

Status :Going to the @machete premiere in old, unseemly, sensible shoes. http://moby.to/33kyr6
Created at : 08/25/10 9:23 PM

Status :When toddlers burst into tears I pretend it's either over Pakistan or trapped Chilean miners
Created at : 08/24/10 9:10 PM

Status :When I see other LOST fans, I feel like we're silently telling each other, "We have to go back."
Created at : 08/24/10 5:55 PM

Status :RT @eddiepepitone Tweets of Descartes wife-" I think therefore I am" doesn't fix your daughters teeth!
Created at : 08/23/10 6:10 PM

Status :"THE MAKING OF" @thesulk 's last tweet http://moby.to/a0wcsh
Created at : 08/23/10 12:03 PM

Status :I joke about 9/11 & the holocaust because I can't stop thinking about 9/11 &the holocaust.
Created at : 08/22/10 12:14 PM

Status :TV and movies are better than ever but do I miss real teeth.
Created at : 08/21/10 1:48 PM

Status :SARAH &FRIENDS AT LARGO TONIGHT AT 8:30 bring all your poop and pee!!
Created at : 08/20/10 8:16 PM

Status :Its true! Along w @daxshepard1 !! RT @TheSteveAgee I'm at Largo tonight with @SarahKSilverman 8:30pm
Created at : 08/20/10 1:22 PM

Status :RT @morgan_murphy I don't mean to racially profile, but Jews have very racially profiles.
Created at : 08/20/10 1:27 AM

Status :"Tampax: Jam it in ya." #newapproach
Created at : 08/19/10 11:04 AM

Status :Kids today can't even breathe out their noses. Cuz of fucked up shit. #air #devolution
Created at : 08/19/10 1:13 AM

Status :I've been poking holes in my birth control pills.
Created at : 08/19/10 12:21 AM

Status :I agree!! RT @lunazenstudios Everyone should see the @LauraJSilverman show tonight! http://bit.ly/c3v9iI
Created at : 08/18/10 1:51 PM

Status :I didn't say I wanted to learn how to play the drums. I said I wanted to know how to play the drums.
Created at : 08/17/10 10:43 PM

Status :Stuff is piling up and I am on the cusp of downward spiralness. Bootstraps, Silvermannish!
Created at : 08/17/10 8:06 PM

Status :I think of all potential health problems I'm most scared of the prolapsed anus.
Created at : 08/17/10 12:50 PM

Status :RT @thesulk "My secret? Everyday I like to take a nice walk around the world." (Grandpa The Flash)
Created at : 08/16/10 9:40 PM

Status :Mama don't go. Daddy come home. ♫ http://blip.fm/~uwhe2
Created at : 08/15/10 5:20 PM

Status :RT @thesulk If it wasn't for schadenfreude, I wouldn't have any freude at all.
Created at : 08/14/10 10:00 PM

Status :RT @3rdand10 Remember before Hummers when you had to talk to a guy to tell if he was an asshole?
Created at : 08/14/10 12:46 AM

Status :#FF @TheStevenWeber @DearAnyone @JuliusSharpe and my one and only @TheSulk for all the laughs fit to print
Created at : 08/13/10 1:44 PM

Status :eep looks like MM was 3 mos ahead o me on this RT @morgan_murphy I watched so many Woody Allen movies this weekend, I got a Wiest Infection.
Created at : 08/13/10 1:39 PM

Status :Anxious, needy cyber laughter is a bummer haha
Created at : 08/12/10 10:41 PM

Status :Frank : the Italians as Barbara : the Jews #nonsongwritingsingerlegends
Created at : 08/12/10 3:41 PM

Status :Hey woman in the stall before me who didn't flush, urine isn't supposed to have pulp.
Created at : 08/11/10 10:25 PM

Status :I'm gonna use the "isolated gay gene" for my baby & then I'm gonna actually name him Gay Gene.
Created at : 08/11/10 2:29 PM

Status :RT @thesulk "They may take our lives, and they may also take away our FREEDOM!" (Slaveheart)
Created at : 08/11/10 6:36 AM

Status :I just remembered my mom's "Question Authority" button.
Created at : 08/10/10 11:06 PM

Status :STALAG 17 is a guy vagina-movie
Created at : 08/10/10 10:01 PM

Status :From my experience, I find AT&T to be faceless crooks. Know any good services w fair int'l plans?
Created at : 08/10/10 1:29 PM

Status :NEW FEMINIST We no longer need men to treat us equally. We need women to treat each other less shitty.
Created at : 08/10/10 12:54 PM

Status :RT @thesulk "Yikes, your hands look old" is not a great thing to say to a girl who's wiping away tears.
Created at : 08/10/10 7:37 AM

Status :Well I did it. I got guacamole all over the bedspread.
Created at : 08/09/10 9:59 PM

Status :Neat! A sign for my asshole! http://moby.to/54im1u
Created at : 08/08/10 11:24 PM

Status :I made this an hr ago RT @MrCraigBierko SARAH SILVERMAN FOR LOMA LINDA UNIVERSITY CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL http://vimeo.com/13990361
Created at : 08/08/10 10:48 PM

Status :For very good & for very bad, success seems to come from an abundance of nerve.
Created at : 08/08/10 7:25 PM

Status :She DOES? http://moby.to/tmpblw
Created at : 08/08/10 6:38 PM

Status :Miss my beau.. I miss the crook of his arm.. & one of his balls. The left one. HIS left. ugh. nevermind.
Created at : 08/08/10 6:06 PM

Status :OMG I'm dating a (w Boston accent,) fucking quee-ah. RT @TheSulk Hot girl's ass. http://tweetphoto.com/37606810
Created at : 08/08/10 5:49 PM

Status :Despite what one might think, ignorance and innocence have very little in common. #deepthots
Created at : 08/08/10 5:44 PM

Status :RT @DearAnyone I'm so tired that I almost forgot our bodies get thrown in a hole or burned when we die.
Created at : 08/08/10 5:07 AM

Status :It worked! Thanks @Celena324!! RT @Celena324 @SarahKSilverman use iForgot
Created at : 08/08/10 1:03 AM

Status :Does anyone know why my app store acct has suddenly been "disabled?" not sure what to do or how to fix http://moby.to/mo54lt
Created at : 08/08/10 12:43 AM

Status :Only takes 1 to wipe up a post-handy cum tum, but I chip in w a tissue or 2 to show I'm a team player
Created at : 08/07/10 4:13 PM

Status :Preparation H is great for pimples &redness and under eyes but mostly it's great for my asshole.
Created at : 08/07/10 1:48 PM

Status :Q: What phone service does a ghost use? A: Veriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizon #ghostjokes
Created at : 08/06/10 2:27 PM

Status :Aw! RT @thesulk Girlfriend gone and no Internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music.
Created at : 08/06/10 12:19 PM

Status :I need a positive female role model.
Created at : 08/06/10 11:29 AM

Status :I need a positive male role model
Created at : 08/06/10 10:09 AM

Status :Just hitchhiked in Toronto. Thanks for the ride, Steve! Have fun at ur friend Al's wedding Sunday
Created at : 08/05/10 7:24 PM

Status :Dooders- My bestie Tall Jon made this app for 99 cents! ShakeNBelch http://bit.ly/91afDw
Created at : 08/05/10 7:24 PM

Status :RT @ScottAukerman Misread a headline &got excited when I thought Mary Hart was leaving entertainment -- TONIGHT!
Created at : 08/05/10 11:20 AM

Status :Jesus of nose-a-big #whenhewasstilljewish
Created at : 08/04/10 2:15 PM

Status :Yay!! RT @louisck FX has picked up LOUIE for a 2nd season. 13 more eps. Holy hitlers mothers tits.
Created at : 08/03/10 11:34 AM

Status :When I wear earrings for the first time in a while, an assy juice comes out of my ear holes. #why
Created at : 08/03/10 7:24 AM

Status :If I die on this flight please clap harder for me on the Emmy death reel than for @TheStevenWeber
Created at : 08/02/10 2:31 PM

Status :#FF this wacko who lies about smells RT @TheStevenWeber Sarah Silverman smells like soup.
Created at : 08/02/10 2:29 PM

Status :Tampon strings should be waterproof. 1 pre-flight pee &I have to sit on a tiny wet rope for 5 hours? Boo.
Created at : 08/02/10 2:23 PM

Status :@TheSteveAgee eat my ballz?
Created at : 08/02/10 2:19 PM

Status :Doods! I just called the shelter and Shortie was adopted last night! Fucking phew!
Created at : 08/02/10 1:01 PM

Status :Shortie's on Beverly and Gardner until 3. Save him! All he wants is love!
Created at : 08/01/10 4:16 PM

Status :This is Shortie http://moby.to/0ot4gz
Created at : 08/01/10 4:13 PM

Status :Shortie is 13 and all alone! They're putting him down if he's not adopted soon. animaladvocatesalliance.com he's #A1520958
Created at : 08/01/10 4:12 PM

Status :I'm unable to explain what I mean by this but Leonardo DiCaprio has a tuna face.
Created at : 08/01/10 12:09 AM

Status :1 great thing about the iphone: Bring it w you to pee & occupy yourself straight thru to the next pee. #Timewastersavers
Created at : 07/31/10 12:31 PM

Status :I try not to be as hard on myself as I am on other people.
Created at : 07/31/10 12:15 AM

Status :Oh my, this last ep of @louisck was the best ever. The heckler scenes, the back &forth w M Broderick holy shitsky
Created at : 07/30/10 10:53 PM

Status :A little girl's love of music (but not of spelling.) http://moby.to/w0edh4
Created at : 07/30/10 7:42 PM