Sarah Silverman Tweetstream

Status :My ears can take wailing babies on planes, its my heart that can't
Created at : 02/05/12 1:23 AM

Status :I still wake up so jazzed that childhood is over
Created at : 02/04/12 9:46 PM

Status :Should I worry if my Indian food smells like cum? Need a quick answer.
Created at : 02/03/12 1:25 AM

Status :One thing that's really fun to make when you're really fucked up is big decisions
Created at : 02/02/12 1:37 AM

Status :"The Bachelor" is brought to you by, helicopters!
Created at : 01/31/12 1:43 AM

Status :My dog's breath smells EXACTLY like a dumpster's vagina
Created at : 01/26/12 9:02 PM

Status :My last tweet came to me in a dream.
Created at : 01/26/12 1:16 AM

Status :FUN TIP! Before a big date, make sure you have lots of tiny pieces of toilet paper in your vagina!
Created at : 01/25/12 11:36 PM

Status :We're all alone in our heads. Goodnight, Sweetie
Created at : 01/25/12 9:54 PM

Status :Why didnt they make throat armor in the Game of Thrones days? There's a blacksmith out there that should be fired.
Created at : 01/25/12 5:48 PM

Status :The whole left side of my body hurts from my neck to my lower back & thru my knee if anyone's wondering
Created at : 01/25/12 5:44 PM

Status :Self-deprecating & self-defecating are the same thing, really.
Created at : 01/25/12 4:48 PM

Status :.@kyledunnigan notices that Duck spends the most amount of time making the worst bed http://t.co/xXxFiJkH
Created at : 01/25/12 11:40 AM

Status :Behind every great big bully there's a great big bully
Created at : 01/23/12 8:36 PM

Status :Poopypants @NewtGingrich thinks our Palestinian brothers & sisters are made up like Godzilla & Santa Claus
Created at : 01/22/12 5:15 PM

Status :ohhh Craig... @aboycraig http://t.co/H41HDg4E
Created at : 01/22/12 3:33 PM

Status :I can't tell if @Newtgingrich has some heavy low-hangers or really tight bald roundies.
Created at : 01/22/12 12:01 PM

Status :Enjoy the limits of my dad, @rantsfromboca's boston accent. http://t.co/w1hbXbIx
Created at : 01/21/12 12:51 PM

Status :Just googled "Santorum" and this came up: http://t.co/kz3ZWpQP
Created at : 01/19/12 12:32 PM

Status :CATHOLICS FOR THE DOWNSIZING OF THE VATICAN TO FEED THE WORLD (Pssst -- someone start this)
Created at : 01/19/12 11:43 AM

Status :Jesus would be bummed about the Vatican being all filled w riches that could feed the world (but doesn't)
Created at : 01/17/12 11:42 PM

Status :"Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women
Created at : 01/17/12 10:59 PM

Status :I am blown away by today's WTF w @ToddGlass 's life changing interview. Check it out & be changed. http://t.co/tds0xlSM
Created at : 01/16/12 10:13 PM

Status :Ends 2nite! Donate $25 & win a chance to have me do your outgoing vm message #HELPHAITIHOME http://t.co/t2nJq9tM
Created at : 01/16/12 7:27 PM

Status :Ps I may still be sleeping a lil bit
Created at : 01/16/12 11:15 AM

Status :Just woke up & listened to P McCartney's "Here Today" It made me like the word "glad" again.
Created at : 01/16/12 11:12 AM

Status :Sidney Poitier's hair has just kind of turned into a gas
Created at : 01/15/12 9:05 PM

Status :Kelsey grammar just won for RHWBH!
Created at : 01/15/12 7:38 PM

Status :Josh Brolin wins largest head 4th year in a row! Diane Lane wins smallest (2nd time nom, first win!)
Created at : 01/15/12 7:31 PM

Status :My from-Boston dad in, "Carl" v "Kyle" (this time w sound) http://t.co/rBMAuGnI
Created at : 01/15/12 3:49 PM

Status :On this 2 year anniversary of the #Haiti #Earthquake - #HelpHaitiHome: http://t.co/QRjJkVoR
Created at : 01/12/12 8:17 AM

Status :The 2 saddest consecutive sentences: "He just wants attention. Don't give it to him."
Created at : 01/10/12 11:32 PM

Status :When a nice guy is nice it's like who cares but when an asshole is nice it's like "Awwww!!"
Created at : 01/08/12 9:55 PM

Status :Possible ways to bring Palestinians & Jews together: 1) Ecstasy in the water 2) Alien attack
Created at : 01/08/12 6:11 PM

Status :Our money says IN GOD WE TRUST & our God says IN MONEY WE TRUST
Created at : 01/07/12 10:52 PM

Status :Dear GOPs, In what way does gay marriage hurt ur life & how will taking that right away make it better? thanks in adv. s
Created at : 01/07/12 10:29 PM

Status :The war on women has officially trickled down to the basest of sitcoms http://t.co/QlLgmL3v
Created at : 01/05/12 3:39 PM

Status :There's no way my heart can handle what's in an email labeled ELEPHANTS REUNITING AFTER 20 YRS
Created at : 01/05/12 1:20 AM

Status :Oh poor Gabriel... http://t.co/qpijLFXd
Created at : 01/04/12 11:33 PM

Status :Candy to me is like spinach to Popeye but instead of super-strength I spiral into a shuddering ball
Created at : 01/04/12 5:01 PM

Status :Wait-- why don't people ride horses places
Created at : 01/03/12 10:54 PM

Status :Thought of a great name for an emo band: Take Care Of Jenny
Created at : 01/03/12 12:46 AM

Status :What I learned about love from @Respektor: This is how it works You peer inside yourself You take the things you l... http://t.co/9PCOtm7d
Created at : 01/01/12 5:22 PM

Status :Bye Jew York -- Love being in you & lettin my nose hang out
Created at : 01/01/12 3:21 PM

Status :Mark my words: basket marshmallow pancreas
Created at : 01/01/12 1:47 PM

Status :Oh shit it's happening. Teenagers are passionless empty vessels thru which Facebook expresses itself
Created at : 12/31/11 1:02 PM

Status :Holy shit- some teenagers are just unengageable.
Created at : 12/30/11 11:36 PM

Status :For my New Year's resolution I'm gonna try to say "You do you" at people more & often
Created at : 12/30/11 3:02 PM

Status :Will someone w a fancy phone ask Siri what restaurants are open in the west h'wood area? W vegetarian options?
Created at : 12/24/11 5:12 PM

Status :The father/terrified-looking-daughter confessional in the MY PILLOW infomercial makes me feel iffy
Created at : 12/24/11 6:02 AM

Status :Avoiding the treadmill by learning Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" on guitar.
Created at : 12/23/11 11:11 PM

Status :I initially balked at the allegation but I realize it's true: I'd very much like to declare war on Christmas.
Created at : 12/23/11 9:21 PM

Status :Dear God: Please make everyone as self conscious & shame filled about their mouth noises as I am.
Created at : 12/23/11 8:01 PM

Status :Don't tell kids "girls can be anything!" They wouldn't have thought otherwise- just raise them strong, dummy
Created at : 12/23/11 7:37 PM

Status :I have a lot of free time around the holidays. RT@meghan_daum @SarahKSilverman Good god what's going on here?
Created at : 12/23/11 12:25 AM

Status :(Con't) I did like the last line of the article, though. Who wrote it for you?
Created at : 12/22/11 6:00 PM

Status :(Con't) Today you have distinguished yourself as another great example of who "the man" really is: women like you.
Created at : 12/22/11 6:00 PM

Status :(Con't) ...a feat in a bold headline with content that has virtually nothing to say.
Created at : 12/22/11 6:00 PM

Status :(Con't) You made that up to support an angle-less article...
Created at : 12/22/11 5:59 PM

Status :Dear @Meghan_daum, I actually never "came out against Hitchens" b/c I don't usually care about that stuff...
Created at : 12/22/11 5:59 PM

Status :WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS NOW YOU STUPID #HOMELAND FINALE?!?
Created at : 12/22/11 2:02 AM

Status :Finally an article about how women have jobs! It moved me to sing! http://t.co/ayk5QFaY
Created at : 12/22/11 12:38 AM

Status :RT @kyledunnigan I just want a legitimate massage. How does one act like one doesn't want a handjob?
Created at : 12/21/11 7:01 PM

Status :Had a war time dream where I had to go to battle but I didn't want to because I had a zit
Created at : 12/20/11 2:23 PM

Status :New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)
Created at : 12/20/11 2:56 AM

Status :See how good it feels to be a mensch- Help Haiti & maybe I'll do your outgoing vm message #HelpHaitiHome http://t.co/JfQXu9cB
Created at : 12/19/11 11:46 PM

Status :AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?
Created at : 12/16/11 5:16 PM

Status :Oh for goodness sakes surely there are worse things than silly lil' taking-God-anally-from-behind jokes
Created at : 12/15/11 8:41 PM

Status :My dog is right. The bathroom is not a library.
Created at : 12/15/11 8:41 PM

Status :In God We Thrust #Frombehind #sorry #imbored #amen
Created at : 12/15/11 8:24 PM

Status :The bible/torah r books 2B interpreted by u & ur values & ur damage- so be responsible w that shit Yoyo
Created at : 12/15/11 2:36 PM

Status :If u think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted
Created at : 12/13/11 6:30 PM

Status :Plants love shit
Created at : 12/12/11 7:46 PM

Status :When Garrison Keillor harmonizes a song my ear holes smile ear ear to ear ear
Created at : 12/11/11 12:50 PM

Status :SARAH & FRIENDS at Largo Dec 16: Don'tStopOrWe'llDie, @jgarlin @Kyledunnigan @andykindler & special guest!
Created at : 12/11/11 12:31 PM

Status :Woke up with an m&m stuck to my face. Over & out.
Created at : 12/11/11 11:17 AM

Status :"Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"
Created at : 12/11/11 12:45 AM

Status :RT @SamSeder WTF does invented people mean? Like those whiteys who sailed to plymouth rock and hocus pocused that new country whatdyoucallt?
Created at : 12/10/11 9:13 PM

Status :I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking: @DianeSawyer is the prettiest.
Created at : 12/10/11 9:05 PM

Status :Shit sorry - this link: http://t.co/8M68DoLO
Created at : 12/09/11 1:54 PM

Status :My boyfriend's penis is 8" long if you measure from his asshole
Created at : 12/09/11 12:18 PM

Status :Dear @GovernorPerry, PLEASE come out of the closet already. Your personal repression is hurting others.
Created at : 12/08/11 5:16 PM

Status :My dog has to think the elevator's a time machine, right? There's no other possible explanation.
Created at : 12/08/11 5:05 PM

Status :Come to the Wiltern Sunday & see @RustyRockets & me -- FREE by commiting to 2 hrs of volunteer work Yo! http://t.co/W1UCzH02
Created at : 12/07/11 8:11 PM

Status :SARAH & FRIENDS at Largo Dec 16: Don'tStopOrWe'llDie, @jgarlin @Kyledunnigan @andykindler & special guest!
Created at : 12/06/11 6:34 PM

Status :Every night before I go to sleep I clear my history,
Created at : 12/06/11 12:13 AM

Status :I can't sleep. This is bozo nutz
Created at : 12/05/11 4:30 AM

Status :Give your undivided attention to this brave human boy & let it affect you. http://t.co/G9si4sA9 http://t.co/HB15HHSY
Created at : 12/04/11 4:08 AM

Status :I'm probably late to the game but this is the funniest vid ever. Lip reading Mitt Romney http://t.co/GmQk96tB
Created at : 12/03/11 5:57 PM

Status :Huh. I'm not finding tantrums & misplaced anger to be as attractive as I used to.
Created at : 11/30/11 9:06 PM

Status :RIP Patrice O'Neal. You made us laugh til we cried.
Created at : 11/29/11 2:21 PM

Status :Keep your overhead low Dummy
Created at : 11/28/11 1:54 AM

Status :New idea to generate income: feminine deodorant for babies
Created at : 11/27/11 9:47 PM

Status :Let's get into the Christmas Spirit & lie about how we got pregnant.
Created at : 11/26/11 10:34 PM

Status :Write jokes? Can't I just stand here & look great for my age?
Created at : 11/26/11 9:47 PM

Status :Loved @TheMuppets! But why is Miss Piggy so cunty? Thank god 4 stoner Janis or there'd b no female role model
Created at : 11/26/11 9:37 PM

Status :Hey people too old to not know this: gum is not a dentist
Created at : 11/26/11 12:02 PM

Status :On Thanksgiving day I like to go my local soup kitchen & give out blankets w tuberculosis in them.
Created at : 11/24/11 12:00 PM

Status :Happy holocaust of the Native American people day!
Created at : 11/24/11 11:41 AM

Status :The history of The Three Stooges is oddly similar to the True Hollywood Story of Destiny's Child.
Created at : 11/23/11 4:10 PM